Baby boomers: why don’t millennials just work 2 jobs?
Minimum wage jobs: ok so we need at least 4 full days of availability, must work holidays, can’t request a set schedule, must work weekends, and you will never know what day or what time you are gonna work until the schedule comes out 🙂
Millennials: so we’ll get the schedule two weeks in advance right?
I was at my cousin’s house for a family barbecue and she shushed us all bc her neighbor ‘The Captain’ was walking by with a dog, and he was just some skinny guy with a long ponytail and a captain’s hat walking an irish wolfhound so we all like ‘what’s the big deal’ but she told us to wait and then like ten minutes later he passed again on his way back to his house but he just…had a different dog. it was like a cocker spaniel. she said every day he leaves the house with the wolfhound and comes back with the tiny dog and she’s never seen them get returned either way. she can never find out where he walks to. shes been watching him for years. my family was freaking the fuck out one of my other cousins looked like he was about to have an aneurysm.
Ever wonder how poachers make a living? Fielding questions from patrons at the Canadian National Exhibition answered that quite clearly for me.
Without exaggeration, we were seriously asked somewhere around 100 times for tiger claws, rhino horns and elephant tusks. Almost the entirety (if not the entirety) of requests were from Asian and Southeast Asian individuals, including a uniformed police officer! Every time we asked why, we’d be greeted with sheepish smiles and replies such as “luck” or “energy”.
For the first half of the show I’d try to rationally explain why these shouldn’t be purchased based on the principles of conservation. Every time their eyes would glaze over and they’d either walk away mid-explanation or wait for me to shut up before saying “so, how much money would it take to get one?”
Needless to say, I got fed up and it was time for a NEW STRATEGY!
Whenever people asked for one, I’d get all wide-eyed and exclaim, “OH NO!! BAD ENERGY!! You don’t want to bring that danger into your life and around your family!!”
Every time it caught the person completely by surprise and they’d beg for more information.
“They used to be considered lucky but the energy has now shifted! Too much **insert endangered animal** blood has been spilled into the Earth and it has angered the spirit world! THEY ARE NOW CURSED!”
When they asked what brings good luck, I told them Inuit and First Nation products when collected with permits.
“If you want your claws and tusks to have balance and good energy, you must only buy from those who live in harmony and balance with nature”.
You’d be damn surprised how often that worked. I hate providing unscientific information but sometimes you have to fight superstitious bullsh*t with superstitious bullsh*t!
“You gots to tell people a story they’re willing to understand.” —Granny Weatherwax, Witch (paraphrased because I can’t remember the exact wording).
So, fun fact for all of you history dorks, but you know that legend about Cleopatra being so rich and trashy that she would drink her wine with crushed up pearls in it?
Pearls are mostly Calcium Carbonate. When they mix with acids (such as those in wine) they produce carbon dioxide like little balls of fancy alkaseltzer.
What Im saying is, call Cleopatra a trashy hoe all you want, but she was the trashy hoe who invented instant champagne. Bitch was living in 3018 while everyone else was in 18
funeral-biscuit 