Filch has a doctorate in art conservation and has definitely read Hogwarts A History
Actaully speaking of PoA, can we fuckin talk about Filch and his art credentials?
The portrait of the fat lady gets slashed and Dumbledore hands her off to Filch to get restored?
AND FILCH DOES IT, AND DOES IT WELL?
The next time we see her there is NO mention of anything like, oh she’s back but you can kinda see where she was cut… NO. She comes back in PEAK CONDITION.
Restored by Filch, who *has no magic.*
He restored this however many hundreds of year old painting *by hand.*
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SKILL MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED HERE?
This 100% changes the character of Filch. Like I’ve only ever seen him portrayed as this kind of head janitor kind of character, movies style, but like. Why? Why would Hogwarts need that if it’s full of house elves? According to Harry Oblivious Potter, probably cause Dumbledore felt bad and gave him a shitty job but one he could at least do and still be in the wizarding world.
WRONG. It’s cause that’s not his actual job.
Listen.
Dung bomb goes off in a classroom? Long night for the house elves.
Dung bomb goes off in a 300 year old suit of armor? Long six to eight weeks for Argus Filch.
Fanged frisbee tears up an irreplaceable tapestry?
Filch.
Peeves draws dicks on a portrait of the founders?
Filch.
All these damn kids in and out of here every day acting like dumbasses and blowing stuff up when it’s already bad enough they keep tracking dirt and *breathing* all over everything?
Filch.
Now how about, how does Filch know all the secret passages? A combination of things. Probably paintings told him about some. You spend weeks restoring a portrait of someone who helped build the place which lives and moves and speaks in their voice and you’re bound to at least talk a bit, if not learn a few things. But many he probably found on his own, either by wit or by study- he’s gotta be entrenched in tr history of this place. If Binns hadn’t come back as a ghost Filch could probably teach history of magic in his place.
He keeps the place in order such that generations next will still have it, and said generations next show him no god damn respect for that. He’s bitter for a lot of excellent reasons.
Maybe I’m an old man but goddamn, these vampires with blood dripping down their chins–that’s your food!! THAT’S YOUR FOOD!! Close!! Your!! Mouth!! You think some asshole slobbering chicken noodle soup or yogurt or clam chowder all down themselves would be sexy??? What makes you any different, you sticky-stained slackjawed screwball??? Close your mouth!! Use a napkin!! And for godssakes stop looking so smug, like, “Oooo, I’m a creature of the night look at what sustains me” yeah uh huh a fucking lack of basic hygiene is what I’m seeing and it is not impressive!! At all!! My nephews are three years old and they drool less than you do!! You’re how many centuries old?!?! ACT LIKE IT
When writing a character’s backstory, it’s important to include a certain number of “knives”. Knives are essentially anything that the DM can use to raise the stakes of a situation for your character. Anything that can make a conflict personal, like a threatened loved one or the appearance of a sudden enemy. They’re called “knives” because the players lovingly forge them and present them to the DM so that the DM can use them to stab the player over and over again.
The more knives a player has, the easier it is for the DM to involve them in the story. So it’s important to have them! When breaking down a backstory, it kind of goes like this:
Every named person your character cares about, living or dead (i.e. sibling, spouse, childhood friend) +1 knife [EDIT: a large family can be bundled into one big knife]
Every phobia or trauma your character experiences/has experienced +1 knife
Every mystery in your character’s life (i.e. unknown parents, unexplained powers) +1 knife
Every enemy your character has +1 knife
Every ongoing obligation or loyalty your character has +1 knife
Additionally, every obligation your character has failed +1 knife
Every serious crime your character has committed (i.e. murder, arson) +1 knife
Every crime your character is falsely accused of +1 knife
Alternatively if your character is a serial killer or the leader of a thieves guild, those crimes can be bundled under a +1 BIG knife
Any discrimination experienced (i.e. fantasy racism) +1 knife
Every favored item/heirloom +1 knife
Every secret your character is keeping +1 knife
You kind of get the point. Any part of your backstory that could be used against you is considered a knife. A skilled DM will use these knives to get at your character and get you invested in the story. A really good DM can break your knives into smaller, sharper knives with which to stab you. They can bundle different characters’ knives together into one GIANT knife. Because we’re all secretly masochists when it comes to D&D, the more knives you hand out often means the more rewarding the story will be.
On the other hand, you don’t want to be a sad edgelord with too many knives. A buttload of knives just means that everyone in your party will inadvertently get stabbed by your knives, and eventually that gets annoying. Anything over 15 knives seems excessive. The DM will no doubt get more as time goes on, but you don’t want to start out with too many. You also don’t want to be the plain, boring character with only two knives. It means the DM has to work harder to give you a personal stake in the story you’re telling together. Also, knives are cool!! Get more knives!!!
I always try to incorporate at least 7 knives into my character’s backstory, and so far the return has been a stab-ity good time. Going back into previous characters, I’ve noticed that fewer knives present in my backstory has correlated with fewer direct consequences for my character in game. Of course, this isn’t a hard and fast rule, it’s just something that my friends and I have come up with to help with character creation. We like to challenge each other to make surprising and creative knives. If you think of any that should be included, let me know.
EDIT: I feel I should mention it’s important to vary up the type of knives you have. All 7 of your knives shouldn’t be family members, nor should they be crimes that you’ve done in the past. That’s a one-way ticket to repetitive gameplay. Part of the fun is making new and interesting knives that could lead to fun surprises in game.
I love this! I’ll be introducing this concept to the 2 (count em, TWO) groups of new players I’m DMing for now.
This is a great idea!
Kinda like a mix of heirloom/ obligation/ family but a house, business, farm, or other building/location important to your character could be a knife. One might adventure to get the money they need to fix it up, or save it from being condemned or bought out. It could be threatened by monsters and/or invasion. Enemies could follow you back and your once safe sanctuary could become the site of an ambush or siege.
This will be the cutest video you will see today. My grandparents found baby sea turtles on their doorstep this morning so they released them one by one!
funeral-biscuit 