the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
fuck the dragon.
I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so
Wealth and power can make people (or dragons, in this case) pickier, but can also mean that they become so accustomed to following the whims of their id and just doing whatever the hell they feel like that sensible thinking rarely enters into the picture. You’re a dragon who has been organizing your massive goddamn hoard for months. Some adventurers break down the door, but lo and behold, one of them is pretty and wants to fool around. You haven’t gotten any action for more than a full week. You are full of ego, fire, and are 100% sure that if these idiots actually try anything that doesn’t amuse you, you can crush them like ants. And you have a very low tolerance for not getting whatever gratification you desire, whenever you happen to desire it. There might be a hundred princes in a hundred kingdoms who’d gladly tear off their brocade vests and prostrate themselves before you, but they’re not here and you are horny right now and you did not accumulate a mountain full of priceless artifacts that you treat as a glorified bed by not doing whatever the hell you please.
So the scenario of the bard successfully seducing the dragon honestly doesn’t seem that far-fetched to me.
so do you think Krem opted to go by Krem, or when he told the injured, partially blinded Iron Bull who had just saved him that his name was Cremisius, Bull just raised his bleeding head and said “krem puff, krem brulee, krem de la krem, krispie krem, krem cheese, heavy whipping krem, ice krem, ice krem sundae, krem of wheat, krem of tartar, coffee with krem, banana and krem pie, wu tang clan’s K.R.E.M.”
and Krem is like, “oh so you actually are concussed”
“those are just the nicknames I can whip up off the top of the ole dome, join my mercenary crew, I wanna see how long I can keep this going”
“you’ve already used up all the puns. look at the pun box. it’s empty.”
“first off kremsicle, don’t ever doubt me.”
#bull and varric bond over being nicknamers#but fundamentally disagree on the nicknaming philosophy#‘you pick one nickname and call them that for a decade’ versus ‘every day is a bold new challenge to piss off my second in command’
funeral-biscuit 